We need rest in our year. One of the things I truly love about living in New England is the way the natural world dominates. The winter is time to stop. As a gardener and as someone who grows plants for people, We Must Slow Down. We can store those nuts and get excited about them, and boy am I excited about these juicy seeds, but there’s only so many lists and plans and mental exercises that I can do. Physically, I can stock my firewood and I can shovel the snow and these things help my mind rest on what is most important and present.

On new year’s day I cooked up the first dry beans I ever grew. Those beans were a game changer, let me tell you. For some reason, people tell you that it’s not worth it to grow your own dry beans. I really don’t know why. Scarcity of space? The crops that are most taken for granted, the food that is the cheapest to buy, for some reason those plants are the ones that brought me the most fulfillment this year. Cabbages. Onions. Dry Beans.

I had a tiny little brief conversation with someone who visited my garden this past Spring. She said, “Oh yeah we used to have a garden, but it’s really not worth the money, you know?” Obviously, I would have liked to have more than a tiny conversation on this note. There was one side of me that flared up at this insanity and felt, “well this person is someone I’ll never see eye to eye with!” Of course as a person who sells plants, my inner salesman thought, “Ok, what would inspire this person to garden again?” I think I actually said something like, “Oh yes, we don’t always do this to save money. Homegrown produce has more nutrients for our health, the process of gardening is good for my mental health, and everything just tastes so good from the garden. Plus, tomatoes and peppers are so expensive at the store or market!”

This exchange really settled into me and popped to the front of my mind several times throughout the year. Winter is good for those deep things, you know? The dreams, confusions and the haunts. (If you’re familiar with astrology, I have a strong Pluto and Mercury energy; I really overanalyze sometimes.) Anyway, I still don’t have anything concrete on this. I mean, I’m broke almost always and I don’t think that way! And honestly, this person drives a brand new BMW so I don’t think it’s down to the penny for them either. So what is it?

Here I am with my precious beans, my cabbage and my onions, arguably the cheapest vegetables you can buy. Potatoes too. What I know is the feeling of connection. A connection with my ancestors and really anyone who just simply lived and who enjoyed the simple pleasure of a cold day and a full belly.

What do we HAVE, really? Stop and shop had almost no fresh produce a couple days ago–this is the new year–what do you really value and what do you really have? I’ve been, like many, enchanted with tomatoes and chili peppers and a very exciting and tasteful assortment of cut flowers. But take it all away and what do I have? Very little ability to fill my belly and feed my muscles! Culture but no umph. Spice but no salt. I do, of course, have a grand homesteading goal where I grow everything I’ll ever need to sustain myself. But really it’s not necessary or feasible for everyone to have “Self-Sufficiency.” Damn if those little new year’s dried beans didn’t give me a solid, meaty little piece of real mental self-sufficiency. I did it. Protein in my pantry. I could do it again.

I don’t know much, I come from the 90’s and ‘Aughts ruralish suburbs. Comfortable enough to be able to opt for a grocery store. That comfort makes me a little uneasy though! My great-grandma grew cabbages and a pig in her East Haven back yard. The privilege of stores and shops is pervasively classless. The winning feeling of a successful cabbage, two bags of healthy onions and a few jars of pre-colonial beans… I can’t describe it. Ancestral intimacy. Nature at its most essential. Goddam worth it.